


dandelion hands

by rwdaf



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fear, Fear of Death, M/M, death mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 23:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14123673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwdaf/pseuds/rwdaf
Summary: Dan has a fear that holds him back a lot. He finally tells Phil his deepest fear - death and the idea of dying.





	dandelion hands

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off my own personal experiences with my own fear of death/dying.

It was this bone crushing fear that never left him. Even when he managed to have the smallest amount of relief, during the night it crept back into the inner consciousness of his mind, never letting him escape the reality that lie hidden in the truth. In the dark corners of his mind were the shadows of happiness that he couldn’t bear to see; the happiness that he felt throughout the day until the cold set in, reminding of the truth that was life.

Just as the sun rose and everyone was born, all things must come to an end; just as the sun sets in the evening and everyone dies one day. It was a part of life that no one could avoid. Something that comes naturally to everyone, but not something that settles well. For some, they’re okay with it - they just see it as another event in their life, not worrying about what happens or comes after. For others, it’s harder to accept - it fills them with dread and makes them question the point of their entire existence, and whether life is worth what it seems. 

As the warm days draw near, and the light stayed longer to hide the dark, Dan couldn’t help but wander to the dark depths of his mind - wonder on questions he knew there would never be an answer to as long as mankind was alive. It froze him with fear knowing he could never know the answer.That was life; you had to face the unknown head on and you couldn’t question it. But Dan did, and he wished he didn’t, but he couldn’t help how his mind worked and the turns it took. 

The sweat beaded on his palms as he stared up to the ceiling, drawing mindless shapes with his eyes that meant nothing, even to him. His hallowed eyes were fragile, shattering at the slightest utter of a word. The clock read  _ 02:00,  _ and he wasn’t drowsy, but quite the opposite despite him not leaving his room in days. Crumpled paper was scattered around the floor, the words on the paper meaning nothing to anyone except Dan - words that held his deepest thoughts and worries.

The question he hadn't been able to figure out, however, was why. Why were we here when we will end up in the ground to rot away over the years? Was there a point to life? No one would be remembered forever, and one day, just like everyone else in history we know, we will fade away and be a star in the sky that we faintly see, but have no recollections of. Was there a point when we will leave behind the ones we love; or when they leave us?  Dan wasn’t sure he could fathom that. The idea of him leaving Phil hurt, but worse was the idea of Phil leaving him. It struck a nerve deep inside that made him want to scream until his vocal cords ripped, and his throat turned raw, and for what? 

He hadn’t seen Phil in a few days. He couldn’t remember if he was even home, or if he went up north to visit his family. Had Phil forgotten about him? It would only make sense - Dan forgot about himself, why wouldn’t Phil?

Phil didn’t know the deep thoughts of Dan’s mind, and Dan didn’t want him to. It was dark and he couldn’t drag Phil down with him by opening up. He couldn’t do that to anyone. Nothing about that was fair. Why ruin someone’s happiness just because you can’t find your own?

Stars die out, but humanity enjoys them. They watch them flicker in the sky, create memories under them. Dan wanted that, to live carelessly and not worry. God he wanted that more than anything, but when his mind wandered, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t escape. 

A soft knock came from outside in the hall. Dan looked over, not moving his body otherwise, and then returned to looking at the ceiling to draw mindless stars. 

“Dan?” Phil’s voice, calm yet drenched in worry, quietly echoed through the door, sounding like screams to Dan. “Dan, please. I- I’m worried.” 

After a few moments of silence, Phil gently pushed open the door, shutting it behind him. Making his way over to Dan’s bed, stepping on the paper, he climbed across Dan and lied beside him on his side looking at him. “Dan, please talk to me. You haven’t come out in days. What’s the matter?” 

Dan sighed, and turned his head towards Phil. He noticed the worry plastered onto Phil’s face that wasn’t leaving anytime soon. He knew he couldn’t avoid this, but he knew he couldn’t tell Phil. To be scared of something so natural was rubbish in his mind. 

“Dan?”

“I-“ Dan sighed deeply and closed his eyes briefly. “I’m scared,” he whispered into the air. Confusion crossed Phil’s face a bit. 

“Scared? What of?” Phil asked, his voice hushed and soft. Dan knew that Phil knew harsh tones and jagged voices hurt him deeply, especially in a state like where he was now.

“It’s stupid really.”

“Dan, it’s not stupid. We all have our fears, even the silly ones.”

“Are you scared of anything?” Dan looked at Phil , brushing the curls out of his face. 

“Horses.” 

Dan stifled a giggle,  and Phil smiled. Dan was hurt deep inside, and a small laugh helped in the slightest. It reminded him that somewhere, the truth lies, and that one day he won’t have to worry about what’s to come. 

“Really? Why?”

“Have you seen them? I don't trust them.” Phil shrugged. “They could kick you at any moment, and their  _ faces _ .” He shuddered. “Their faces are the worst.”

Dan cracked a smile, one that barely had any sort of feeling and was forced the entire way. “That’s weird Phil.” 

“Yeah, but just because others see it as weird doesn’t mean anything Dan. Your fears still matter because you live with them, no matter how silly they seem. If someone is afraid of spiders you don't tell them it’s silly, do you?”

“No… I guess not. But what does tha-“

“Then your own aren’t silly either Dan.” Phil interrupted him and sighed. “I can’t make you tell me Dan, but I want to help.”

“Death.” Phil cocked his brow slightly as Dan continued. “I’m scared of death and of dying.” 

“Oh Dan,” Phil calmly spoke, laying his hand on Dan’s cheek gently. “That’s not stupid. It’s valid, you know. Death is scary.”

“Phil it basically paralyses me. It - it entraps me with this fear of not knowing, and makes me question everything until it breaks me.”

“Everything’s made to be broken Dan.” Tears brimmed Dan’s eyes, and Phil pulled him close. “What exactly scares you?”

“Not knowing if dying hurts, what comes after. What if it’s just lights out,and darkness?”

“I’ll bring some glow sticks to the afterlife and we’ll shine in the dark,” Phil chuckled, and wiped Dan’s eyes. “Dan, it’s scary. I know, trust me. But you have to believe.”

“In what? I’m scared I’ll die before accomplishing anything, that you’ll die before me and leave me alone in the world, Phil. 

“Life Dan. You have to be willing to just believe that things are more than they seem. I promise we’ll do everything you wish to do before we die. You’ll accomplish everything you can dream of.”

“Phil, it’s not that easy.”

Phil sighed, threading his fingers through Dan’s hair. “I know it isn’t that easy Dan; facing your fears never is. But you have to be able to try and fight on. For example, dandelions. A lot of people see them as weeds and no good. Others see them as this beautiful enchanting thing that has such meaning. Your life is like a dandelion.”

“A flower?”

Chuckling, Phil laid his head on top of Dan’s. “It holds more worth than you see from your perspective, Dan. It’ll be okay. Fears are scary, but you can overcome them. It just takes time, and I’ll be there to help you. Even if it means holding your hand every step of the way.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed and you can find me at @rwdaf on tumblr!


End file.
